I had not updated in over 12 months. I suppose blogging is something of a habit – once you get into it, you can’t stop. And once you get out of it, you can’t keep up.

But I felt compelled to record the last 12 months for posterity.

What happened?

Well, for starters, I spent my 29th birthday (December 2009) in tears. And I mean, in snivvelly, snotty nosed tears. It was like I was turning 30 a year before I actually did (although in my mother’s mind, I turned 31 years ago). Mama and Iman were away, and I spent it alone, generally feeling very sorry about myself.

Then the new year came, and, trust me, had I known what was coming my way, I would have checked myself into a hospital somewhere and asked for a drug induced coma to see me through the next 12 months.

In February, I interviewed at The Big Yellow Bank, for a coverage position. Unfortunately, while my first informal chat was lovely, my second round of interviews was with a J4CKA55! I left the interview close to tears, never having been so traumatised in my life. I realised quickly that even if I was offered a job, working under such a person was not an option. Luckily for me, something about my application struck a chord, and I was asked to reinterview at a later date with the J4CKASS’s boss.

In March, Dublin came back from, well, Dublin. And we immediately fell into a not-quite-a-relationship. It was rocky, and painful, but thrilling and passionate at the same time. I found it hard to settle into what was deemed to be a grown up relationship, his definition of one anyway. I don’t think I will ever be grown up enough to have a similar definition for what a relationship should be.

In April, I ceased to be an employee of Deloitte Malaysia. After 5 years of blood, sweat and tears, I handed my resignation to the Cockroach and told him in no uncertain terms as to why I had to leave. Unfortunately, he was not clever enough to understand my words. I then proceeded to send an email to the Global Managing Partner and CCed the regional MP, telling them why exactly I had issues with the firm. Chaos ensued, with my father getting involved. Oy Vey.

In May, Dublin (or Man as he is known is my circle of friends), celebrated his birthday, the first in Malaysia after being away for 11 years. I gave in to his demands for a camera, which cost me over RM3K. Not to mention other frills. Nevermind, it was part of being in a relationship. We continued to slave away at getting him gainfully employed. By this time, I was the sole employee of MW and LCM’s new outfit, and adjusting to no longer being a Deloitte employee. In the meantime, my application with The Big Yellow Bank was finally moving, albeit at a snail’s pace.

In July, Man was finally offered work at the Seaside Oil Company, with a lot of help from Ah Ching *hugs Girl*. Pay was okay, higher than mine although less than what he was hoping for. Our relationship continued to be rocky and vibrant. Mentally, I was crossing off dates on a calendar and was surprised that we made it pass the 3 month mark. No pressure. Oh, and Azie became a Mummy. The world would never be the same again.

August (and fasting month) came, and with it, came an offer from The Big Yellow Bank. With a heavy heart, I said goodbye to Ah Ching and Ms Chin and my beloved bosses MW and LCM, not to mention my clients, Mr Wobbly and Mr Hunger. Things got even more hectic as I moved downtown to Jam Central and Man and I tried to juggle our increasingly demanding work schedule, as well as my family and friends (which he resented). In the meantime, he was scraping money together to buy his dream car, Rose, who was going out of production.

September (and Raya!) came along, and Man finally makes it pass my gate to my house. Unfortunately, despite being introduced as ‘just friends’, Mama and Abah took an instant dislike to Man, citing attitude issues. I don’t know where they got that idea from, given that he barely spoke two words to them. Iman also started getting ready to go back to the UK after being home for a year – that was a painful adjustment for all of us who were used to having her underfoot. Mama especially.

Work was full swing in October at The Big Yellow Bank, and personal life was also full swing. My turtles got sick. I lost sleep. I lost turtle. I got new turtle. New turtle got sick. New turtle made big turtle sick. (I’m stealing slightly from November but it was a loooooong period of sick-well-sick-well). Man got Rose, his new wife. I sold my faithful Gen2 and starting shopping for a new car.

In November, I got news that Che Dah was sick. Breast Cancer. Particularly virulent. I decided that the job with The Big Yellow Bank wasn’t as important as Che Dah, and I quit. I kept her company before she left for treatment in the US, and I looked out for the boys while she and Uncle Deen were away. Somewhere in between, Uncle Din (Mama’s side) had a heart attack. Stressssssssss.

December came, and with it came turning 30. Fortunately (!) I had an exam on that day, so the reality of the birthday only hit at 9.15pm after the papers were collected and counted. Kim and I decided to commiserate at Johnny’s after the exam. Also got an offer from Angie on a very exciting project which I jumped on. Literally! The end of 2010 was in sight and it was looking up.

For my birthday, Man had asked me what I wanted. I was, at the time, planning to go on an extensive roadtrip, and so welcomed contributions to that. Other than that, all I wanted was a nice card. Unfortunately, the roadtrip got truncated and chopped up and was finally a holiday in Penang for Xmas with Iman and her wife. Oh well. Man and I did go for a meal at Tony Romas while he accompanied me Xmas shopping (like a fiend!) at the Gardens.

Oh and I bought a new car. A VW Beetle. No, not brand new, not even second hand. But *I* bought a VW Beetle. And its MINE!

Fast forward 2 weeks later. I have called it quits with Man, mentally and emotionally, if not in person. I think he feels the same way. Our last fight just brought everything to a head. I hesitated calling it off, because that would mean we wouldn’t be friends. But I’ve already come to a point where it’s not worth it anymore. And no, I never got my birthday card, let alone a birthday gift.

Jas and I have started online dating. Because we’re only 30 for a year in our life, and we want to make sure it counts!

The opportunity with Angie disappeared because of things, things, things. I am slightly frustrated. But I do believe that things happen for a reason, and I don’t question how the cards fall. At the moment, things are in a mess – Mama is depressed because Iman has gone back, and some people around her are being idiots. Che Dah is still fighting, and we’re still fighting with her. Work is still a question mark, and the offers that are starting to materialise are exciting but impossible. And I have a new car to pay for.

Oh well, at least my turtles are well for now.

Here’s to hoping 2011 doesn’t follow the same thread as 2010 and 2009. Change, please. Bring it on!

Many things have happened, yes indeed. And yet, nothing much has changed, when you go down to the crux of the matter.

In any case, I am writing this just to get my ‘toes’ wet, so to speak. This is what you call trying to cure Writer’s Block – the most fiendish of afflictions!

A profiling test I once did at work classified me as a Blue Zone ‘Influence’. The ‘Influence’ part is defined as “an active behaviour in a friendly environment with a desire to work with people, build relationships and build enthusiasm”. A “High Influence” individual is distinguished by their spontaneous action, an ability to work well with people, persuasive by nature, and usually generates high levels of enthusiasm. I can see you nodding right now (Nod, I tell you!).

If you look at the chart produced from the test, the results are plotted on a (top positive to bottom negative) scale, with the top-most and bottom-most part of the scale (extreme positive and extreme negative) coloured Blue. Any scores in the Blue Zone denote an extreme and unstable nature – usually, under stress, these Blue Zone personalities will flip and become the complete opposite of their normal personalities. If a person is a negative Blue Zone I, they are usually very introverted, but will flip to become extremely friendly and sociable under pressure. And, as in my case, a positive Blue Zone I will flip to become extremely hermit-like and prickly under pressure.

Needless to say, my results raised quite a few eyebrows, esp from my dad (High S & C with a synthetic I).

Now comes the explanation

In the last few days (okay, not days, weeks, even months) I’ve caught myself withdrawing more and more into a shell. Don’t ask my why, because I can’t tell you. I myself have no idea why. I’m perfectly happy for you to suggest why, in the hope that if I understand it, I can overcome it.

I find myself most content sitting in my room with a book, or playing poker online, or just watching River Cottage recorded on my Astro Max.

I resent telephone calls from people who I would count as my nearest and dearest, and I avoid all others. I do not want to listen anymore, or care anymore, because it feels so tiring. To listen and to care.

I delay appointments and meetings as often as I can. And if I make one and something comes up, I feel elated. Relieved. Almost as if I’m glad I don’t have to put on a show. Meeting my friends (whom I love very very much) is a gargantuan effort for me, emotionally. And it isn’t that I don’t enjoy myself when I see them. I do. Very much so. But getting there requires getting over this huge emotional wall in here *patting chest*, shouldering down and saying to myself – Come on. Let’s go. You know you’ll be okay when you get there.

I’m the one who used to plan these meetings, make the telephone calls, host the parties. And now, everything’s changed. I’ve flipped, so to speak.

A humble apology

I’m truly sorry. To my loved ones, whom I’ve ignored and cold shouldered over the last few weeks and months (you know who you are), I hope you will forgive my bluster and prickly edges. I know how nasty and resentful I sound, even though I know you’re just trying to reach out to me. I cannot take you on right now, even if you’re only trying to distract me, or even though your problems are a lot bigger than this patch of self pity. If it were 6 months ago, I would be there, at your side, ready to slay the dragons. But not right now.

I’m trying to resolve this, but it seems like an insurmountable mountain. I still love you, I truly do. But I need space right now, and I hope you understand. I don’t know if the space is good for me, whether it will help me get over my disgusting self whining, and I trust you to know that you want what’s best for me. If you have any other methods, please try them, but be prepared for me to resent you for it. For now, anyway.

If I’m sharp and quiet and disagreeable, please bear with me, or stay away for now. I know its very selfish and a lot to ask, but I hope that you’ll still be there once this phase blows over.

Sometimes, I feel like crying, for no good reason. Like now, as I’m writing this.

It IS self pity, I know, and I hold it back for as long as I can. And if I finish this now, maybe the welling will stop.

My thoughts are disjointed. I hope this makes sense. I am, again, so sorry.

I’m done.

I find that when you get onto a speeding bullet train like the one I’m on, it’s impossible to get off. And so you just pray, that when the crash comes, you’ll survive it somehow. Because you’ve just right run out of steam to try and save yourself.

It’s like starting a poker game with 2mil under your belt and losing hand after hand, riding on the worst losing streak you’ve ever known. And at first you get angry, and upset, and not a little bit annoyed that your flush gets beaten for a full house. But the streak is unforgiving, is never ending, and you reach a brick wall, only realising you’ve hit it when you find yourself a million down, getting the same lousy hand over and over again, and not caring anymore. You don’t even try to rationalise the odds. You know you’re gonna lose, but it’s the only thing left in your life, good or bad. So you stick with it. Just drawing the cards and folding them.

Whatever lah.

It’s raining outside. I stayed under the duvet the whole morning, snuggling up to a man. In a book.

I passed my Principles of Taxation *conga*. First pass I’ve had in a long time.

It always hurts when you find out someone lied to you. It’s worse when it’s your friend. And it cuts even more when this person claims to be your best friend. Or rather you theirs.

Various theories came up. One person suggested that I had imposed unreasonable expectations and it was my fault that I am disappointed. Interesting idea. But the more I thought about it, I couldn’t bring myself to accept that it is unreasonable to have expectations. And honesty amongst friends isn’t an unreasonable one, in my opinion.

Someone else said that I should have known this person wasn’t trustworthy. That everyone had seen the lying, except for me. I was quiet. Naive perhaps, but I thought that even if this person lied to everyone else, the lying wouldnt extend to me, the best friend.

But a brunch meeting today, with a dear friend helped me put things in perspective. This friend and I, we’ve been crutches for each other, through bad relationships, through insane ones, and even when absolutely nothing was wrong (I still think its easier to be friends when things are bad, than when things are good!). He’d been going through a rough patch himself and was seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Actually, he’s pretty darned positive about things right now.

And I realised, this was Fate’s way of taking out the deadwood out of my life.

There might come a time when I feel nothing but good feelings towards this ‘best friend’ of mine, but it isn’t today. And if and when that day comes, good for him. But for today, I am making a stand.

If you cannot respect me enough to give me the truth, despite everything we’ve been through and despite everything that I have done for you, then you cannot call me your friend. I revoke that privilege. And the lies that you tell insult my intelligence – for only a fool could believe them. And I may have been a fool to trust you, but I am not fool enough to swallow that farce of an excuse.

So go. Be well. I hope whatever it is you’ve done this for, is worth it.

• My article was published in “March 8: The Day Malaysia Woke Up”
• TGG (The Gentle Giant, not to be confused with my GirlyGirls) came into my life
• Ann got married (technically this straddled over 07/08 since she got married over the New Year)
• Huda had her Number 1 (boy), Sharmila had her Number 2 (boy) and Ann’s waiting to deliver her Number 1 any day now (another boy)
• Coming Out of the Closet (it’s a play! I’m not a lesbian!)
• Closing my first M&A deal
• Starting Islamic Finance work

Then again, there have been plenty, plenty, plenty, plenty, plenty not-so-bright spots

• Big accident with the van which my parents still don’t know about (making me RM800 ringgit poorer)
• Failing Tax and FR, and failing it again upon retake, and again upon retake.
• Aunty Roline passing on
• Having my heart broken
• Being ‘asked’ by my parents not to do reading which Kee Thuan Chye invited me to do
• Having an emotional meltdown
• Iman not getting into Oxford
• Global financial meltdown
• Boo leaving Deloitte
• Angela leaving Deloitte
• Starting Islamic Finance work

Here’s hoping the remaining few days of 2008 pass without any more incidences. And here’s to a better 2009.

There is no sense of relief like I felt when it ended with S. Yes, with S, there was that sudden pang of panic that made me think “F! What did I just do?” but that quickly passed – more of a need to have a backup than a real need to be with him. And even my sexy sweetie from Dublin, inasmuch that I still think he’s a hottie, didn’t cripple me the way I now cannot move, think, breathe, without missing him with every fibre in me. And the irony is that we were never together. How can something I never had be worth more to me than something I actually had? Perhaps I am losing my sanity after all…

Even in my sleep, I dream of waiting for him. When I wake, every minute is spent wondering whether he is thinking of me, missing me, trying to make amends. If I had even a step in my direction, I know I would break ranks and run to him. But he has not even given me that one step. The word foolish runs through my mind over and over again, but my heart aches. Perhaps it would be better to be a fool, a happy fool, than a savvy woman with a broken spirit.

My eyes are sore from tears that have already been shed and tears that I cannot shed anymore. Sometimes, I think the ache would lessen if I could cry. But I can’t. Something is stuck inside me, perhaps. Maybe it’s called hope. Something foolish, no doubt, to match the rest of my thoughts.

People have asked me if there is anything wrong, and for the first time in my life, I cannot find the words. I hide from them, but I don’t know why. Something’s wrong. Yes. I’m trying to fix it. Trying.

I know this is not the worst of things that could happen. I know that if I lost Boo, or Nads, or Bern, things would be much, much worse. At least now, I am not overcome by a sense of panic, just the pain. An overwhelming pain, but just the pain nonetheless. But this is about all I can cope with right now, and still put on my mask in the morning and go to work. Work. I never thought it would be such a blessing to be so busy, but right now, busy is all I’ve got.

Please God, take away this pain. I was foolish, to want something that I could never have. And foolish again, to reject what little I could have. I’ve learnt my lesson, I promise. Just take it away. I promise I will never reach for things too good for the likes of me. I’ve learnt. I swear.

You wound me, with your pretense of caring -
Not wanting to intrude was just
Code
For not wanting to be around.

Translating this painful silence
With your dictionary of reality -
The one you take so much pride in
I did you a favour and shut the door.

Only to find, that without you,
Everything hurts so much more.