A Prayer

I don’t remember things hurting this much. Even back then, with TE. Perhaps it’s true – every relationship will hurt more than the last one. Except that isn’t quite true either.

There is no sense of relief like I felt when it ended with S. Yes, with S, there was that sudden pang of panic that made me think “F! What did I just do?” but that quickly passed – more of a need to have a backup than a real need to be with him. And even my sexy sweetie from Dublin, inasmuch that I still think he’s a hottie, didn’t cripple me the way I now cannot move, think, breathe, without missing him with every fibre in me. And the irony is that we were never together. How can something I never had be worth more to me than something I actually had? Perhaps I am losing my sanity after all…

Even in my sleep, I dream of waiting for him. When I wake, every minute is spent wondering whether he is thinking of me, missing me, trying to make amends. If I had even a step in my direction, I know I would break ranks and run to him. But he has not even given me that one step. The word foolish runs through my mind over and over again, but my heart aches. Perhaps it would be better to be a fool, a happy fool, than a savvy woman with a broken spirit.

My eyes are sore from tears that have already been shed and tears that I cannot shed anymore. Sometimes, I think the ache would lessen if I could cry. But I can’t. Something is stuck inside me, perhaps. Maybe it’s called hope. Something foolish, no doubt, to match the rest of my thoughts.

People have asked me if there is anything wrong, and for the first time in my life, I cannot find the words. I hide from them, but I don’t know why. Something’s wrong. Yes. I’m trying to fix it. Trying.

I know this is not the worst of things that could happen. I know that if I lost Boo, or Nads, or Bern, things would be much, much worse. At least now, I am not overcome by a sense of panic, just the pain. An overwhelming pain, but just the pain nonetheless. But this is about all I can cope with right now, and still put on my mask in the morning and go to work. Work. I never thought it would be such a blessing to be so busy, but right now, busy is all I’ve got.

Please God, take away this pain. I was foolish, to want something that I could never have. And foolish again, to reject what little I could have. I’ve learnt my lesson, I promise. Just take it away. I promise I will never reach for things too good for the likes of me. I’ve learnt. I swear.

Us That Never Was

Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air?

[Female]
If I should die before I wake
It’s cause you took my breath away
Losing you is like living in a world with no air, oh

[Male]
I’m here alone, didn’t wanna leave
My heart won’t move, it’s incomplete
Wish there was a way that I can make you understand

[Female]
But how
Do you expect me, to live alone with just me?
‘Cause my world revolves around you
It’s so hard for me to breathe

[Both]
Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air?
Can’t live, can’t breathe with no air
That’s how I feel whenever you ain’t there
There’s no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gon be without me?
If you ain’t here, I just can’t breathe
There’s no air, no air
No air air, No air air
No air air, No air air

[Male]
I walked, I ran, I jumped, I flew,
Right off the ground to flow to you
There’s no gravity to hold me down, for real

[Female]
But somehow I’m still alive inside
You took my breath but I survived
I don’t know how but I don’t even care

[Both]
So how do you expect me, to live alone with just me?
‘Cause my world revolves around you
It’s so hard for me to breathe

[Both]
Tell me how I’m supposed to breathe with no air?
Can’t live, can’t breathe with no air
That’s how I feel whenever you ain’t there
There’s no air, no air
Got me out here in the water so deep
Tell me how you gon be without me?
If you ain’t here I just can’t breathe
There’s no air, no air
No air air, No air air
No air air, No air air

No more

No air

Baby

There’s no air, no air

~ No Air by Jordin Sparks & Chris Brown

Pining

Dearest Heart,

It’s been almost a week since that fateful conversation. Actually, it’s been 5 days 21 hours and 12 minutes since I fell asleep, listening to the gentle lull of your voice. Yes, I’ve been keeping count. And no, that 10 minute conversation 2 days ago doesn’t count at all.

I did say I wouldn’t disturb you, that if you wanted to talk, you know where to reach me. I didn’t say that because I didn’t want to talk to you. I said that because you sounded like you didn’t want to talk to me. And with every blase note of your voice, my heart cracked.

The resolve of holding on to you proclaiming ”I cannot bear to lose you” can only hold this heart together for so long.

Even now, I miss you with every fibre of my soul. Despite the questions going through my head of you, your sincerity, your truthfulness, I miss you like the way the night misses the day – chasing it relentlessly through eternity. I play songs because it reminds me of you, because it hurts me the way you do, but because its the closest thing to you that I have.

Am I bound to misery because my heart is

 

Yours,

Me.

A Dreamy Ever After

Dearest Heart,

I dreamt of you last night. In my dream, we were walking by a lake, with quaint little coffee shops lining the boulevard we promenaded on. I could almost smell the roasting beans drifting into the breeze. People walked past us, talking in a gibberish language that I could not understand. Or perhaps just didn’t care enough to understand. A child with pigtails walks clumsily past, her chubby hands outreached for balance, her steps uncertain and wobbly. We stopped at that moment, quiet in our understanding, mutual in our appreciation.

My heart jerks with the knowledge that I may never be able to give you your own wobbly legged child. Even in my dreams, it haunts me. And yet, with one look, your eyes catch mine and I know that it doesn’t matter. Any child we have, even if not the child of our blood, will be just as beloved, for she would be the child of our hearts. And at that moment, I loved you more for loving me beyond my imperfections.

You point out a cafe you once told me about. Back then, you had promised to take me there, one day. Of course, I never thought that it would really happen. And then you tug my hand in that direction, and I suddenly look down and realise that my hands were wrapped in yours. I stare down at our intertwined fingers, tugging experimentally. Looking up, I see your smiling eyes at me, twinkly and indulgent, and you gently tug back, drawing me closer to you.

I knew then it was a dream. But if all I can have is that dream, then it shall just have to suffice.

“Ever Thine, Ever Mine, Ever Ours”

 

Everlastingly,

Me

Melancholy

Dearest Heart,

There are times when I think that my jokes are not quite as funny without you to laugh at them. Even yesterday, as my sister recounted the spitting fish incident to everyone, I just frowned and said nothing. In my mind, I could hear the low chuckle of your voice, the uncertain pause before it – almost as if you weren’t sure whether it would be appropriate for you to laugh. Perhaps you really were uncertain. But since I hadn’t shared it with you, I didn’t really want to share it with anyone else. The whole world may know, but it wasn’t from me. And as long as you do not know, then the world does not know.

For you are the world, my world, and nothing else matters.

In desperation, the mad female in me grasped the phone, listening intently for the ring tone to give way to that husky welcome of your smiling voice. The fish, the turtle, the laughing lady at the cash register, the failure-to-launch of the molten chocolate cake at Chilli’s – they’re all waiting for their cue.

Perhaps you were busy tonight. Or perhaps yesterday’s drama was too much for you.

In any case, I will be here tomorrow, waiting for that same sunset that beckons you closer.

Till then, I bid you farewell. Know that I am

 

Eternally yours,

Me